my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
