do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
