If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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