girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
