I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
