I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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