He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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