i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
