Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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