so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
