i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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