Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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