I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
