bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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