I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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