he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
