After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My vagina just clenched in fear
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
