Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
