He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
