I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
