worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So many bounce houses so little time
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
