he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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