the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
