Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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