dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
