I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
