We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
