in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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