I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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