i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
