i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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