I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
