i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
