i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
