We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
