Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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