I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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