Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
