you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
