U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
