After last night, I could never be a politician.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
