Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
