fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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