I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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