...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
