how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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