Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
