Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
