the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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