i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
